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Being responsible for an elderly parent can be a way to unite siblings, but there can be a conflict of opinion. Sometimes one sibling feels the parent needs more help; sometimes that parent feels he or she is able to manage on his or her own. One person might want to look into senior home care, another might want to take care of everything in the family.
But, these differences are not typically a reflection of lack of interest. In many cases, everyone wants what’s best for their parent and has a different idea of what that consists of.
Once decisions about elder care get emotional, feelings may turn to arguments about who is doing more, living closer, or knowing the parent best. The first step to finding common ground is to step away from those personal disagreements, and center on the parent’s needs, preferences, safety and quality of life.
There are numerous reasons why siblings may disagree. The dynamics between the parent and each individual can be different, due to their perception.
One sibling might visit more often, and might take time to observe daily changes in the parent. One might be farther away and think that everything is fine as the parent looks fine on the infrequent visits.
Money is also a factor in decision making. Siblings may have differing views on the need for and the cost of the type of elderly care that is realistic.
The responsibilities may generate another source of tension. When only one person is doing most of the day-to-day things, they may feel, “Why is there not enough help from other siblings?” Meanwhile, siblings who reside in other households may appear that they are not getting their due.
These differences can make discussions about home care for seniors more complicated than simply deciding what type of care the parent needs.
Siblings should agree on what the parent needs before they start talking about the type of care provision.
Don’t start the discussion with words like “Mom needs a caregiver” or “Dad can do it himself.” Begin by noticing some changes.
Have my parents been having trouble with household chores? Do you find preparing meals to be a challenge? Do appointments go delay? Are you having transportation issues? Are personal tasks more difficult? Do the parent(s) spend more time alone?
Record any observations to keep the discussion on what has actually occurred and not on assumptions.
Families should also keep the parent’s opinion at the center of the discussion. Wherever possible, when there is disagreement the older person should be part of the discussion about them.
It can be easy to give reasons why your opinion is sound when siblings disagree. It can make the other person feel defensive and further push the discussion away from a solution.
Rather, allow each sibling to voice his or her concerns.
Someone might be concerned with safety. The other sibling might worry about protecting the parent’s independence.It may be someone else’s thoughts are on money or who will do what.
All of these worries can be justifiable.
Not all siblings will necessarily agree with each other. The aim is to discover a decision on care that meets the parents’ most significant care needs and takes into account fair concerns from the family.
Family history can easily be a part of caregiving conversations.
Past disagreements, different childhood responsibilities, or unresolved resentment can resurface when siblings discuss a parent’s care.If this occurs, the discussion can be of the siblings, instead of the parent.
Do the best you can to keep the two distinct.
If one sibling has been doing most of the family caregiver role work, speak directly with them about the workload and not let frustration cloud decisions on the parent’s care.
Similarly, if another sibling cannot offer practical support from another home, consider what other supports they may be able to offer.
The emphasis must be on developing a realistic and viable solution that’s feasible for the parent and family.
After separating out personal disagreements from the discussion about the care, the next step is to establish a common understanding of the care needed by the parent.
When siblings have the same information they won’t have to make decisions solely based on what they see.
Having a list of care needs on paper can also help to make discussions more practical. Siblings can talk about a parent’s needs, rather than arguing about whether a parent “needs care,” they can specify the areas they are talking about, like meals, transportation, household chores, personal care, appointments, or companionship.
This can help families decide whether their current support is sufficient or whether they should explore senior home care services.
Wherever possible, families should keep the parent at the center of discussions and involve them in decisions about their care.
While siblings may have different ideas about what is safe, it’s not necessarily the best option for the final decision.
Inquire from the parent what they are comfortable with, what they would like to continue on their own, and what kinds of help they would be willing to receive. Talking with aging parents about long-term care can also help families understand their preferences before making major care decisions.
For many older people, taking in elder care can be a sense of loss of control in their lives. Providing them with a choice can help minimize conflict.
It should be to identify the support required to meet true needs and at the parent’s wishes and ensure the provision of service remains as independent as possible.
All siblings will not be able to contribute equally.
| Situation | Possible Contribution |
| Sibling living nearby | Arranging appointments |
| Sibling with a heavy workload | Contributing according to available time |
| Sibling living in another city | Visiting the parent or arranging services |
In place of each sibling putting in the same amount of time, discuss how much time each person can devote.
This can help to decrease resentment and help the family receive improved caregiver support.
Additionally, it’s crucial to re-evaluate duties as circumstances shift. It might be helpful for a sibling to be able to offer significant physical support at this time, but may not be available on a long-term basis.
Sometimes siblings are fighting because the issue has grown too big for them to handle as a family.
When one sibling is doing the majority of the parent’s duties, this can become frustrating or difficult to maintain.
At this point, families should consider home care for elderly parents or senior home care.That’s where families may want to consider professional home care for elderly parents or senior home care services.
Sometimes, the professional support is not about the family cutting off the parent, but rather it is about the parent understanding the support needed and learning to accept it. It can offer extra support for daily living and enable family members to remain engaged in significant ways.
Talking about professional care as an option, not a requirement, can make the discussion easier.
Rather than making a permanent decision, concentrate on a trial.
Siblings may feel forced to make a huge decision right off the bat if they do not agree.
Sometimes, a trial period can help make the conversation easier.
For instance, the family may accept a specific form of support for a limited period of time and then review the parents’ reaction.
This allows siblings to test out the arrangement and make an informed decision, not an assumption.
It can also alleviate anxiety for a sibling who is not sure if elderly care or professional assistance is a need.
The key is agreeing on what the family will be looking at in the trial, e.g., the parent’s comfort, independence, safety, and other outcomes of the additional support.
Keep the Parent’s Needs and Wishes at the Center
Some disagreements among siblings may be emotionally draining, but a revisiting of the same question can help: What is the best way to arrange things in order to help our parent’s needs and wishes?
This can lead to a discussion of the reason for caring.
The family does not need to agree on every detail right away. They want to be able to communicate, share responsibilities, listen and make decisions depending on their evolving needs in a practical manner.
Having a family member as a caregiver, knowing when to ask for more support is also a key aspect of the caregiver’s responsibilities. Not asking for caregiver support is not a failure on the part of the family. It can help facilitate a more sustainable agreement for all parties involved.
Even if you have discussed the needs of the parent and agreed on who is taking responsibility, it is possible that siblings can still have conflicts. It does not mean that there is no solution which could work for the family.
When dialogue continually turns into argumentation, step back and figure out the issues that are blocking the discussions. Are the disagreements about the care required, its cost, the parent’s preferences, or the division of responsibilities?
Talking about one thing at a time might be easier to deal with.
It can also be a useful tool to engage a third party if the family members are unable to agree. The aim is not to determine which sibling is correct, but to make a viable plan that has the parents’ needs as the focus.
If you aren’t feeling confident enough to handle the situation yourself, it’s time to seek professional assistance.Family members may wish to manage all the care, but this may not always be possible.
Relatives may not be able to offer regular practical assistance for a variety of reasons, including work schedules, distance, health and other responsibilities. In some cases, it may be beneficial for one sibling to leave the arrangement, which may lead to more conflict than resolution.
Familiarizing themselves with the option of “senior home care” can provide the family with another alternative.
Families do not have to choose between family care and professional care.This can also offer support for the family caregiver as some responsibilities might have become challenging to manage.
Families do not have to choose between family care and professional care. In many cases, a mix of family involvement and professional home care for seniors can result in a more manageable program.
What works right now can change over time.
As life circumstances change, the needs of an aging parent may shift, and siblings may have to re-evaluate responsibilities and care arrangements as needs evolve. Discussions with the family can help on a regular basis to notice the changes that are not yet problems.
Check: Is the current system working for the parent and carers? The family may need additional support if one sibling feels continually overwhelmed or the parent’s needs change.
Communication is the key to avoiding minor issues turning into bigger conflicts.
The common ground begins with the same objective: supporting the parent.
While siblings may disagree on the care their parent should receive, their goals will not be very different.
Most families want to keep their parent safe, comfortable, and respected while including them in decisions about their life.
It’s much easier to get along when siblings aren’t trying to outsmart each other for rightness but instead are trying to help their parent.
This can include shifting responsibilities, embracing caregiver support, or exploring the option of elderly care services when family support is not sufficient.
The key point is not who wins the argument. What matters is whether the final care arrangement is truly a support to the parent.
Conflicts between siblings over the care of a parent can be challenging, but they need not be a barrier to families forming a supportive care plan.
Start with the parent’s needs & preferences. Pay attention to each other, and divide personal differences from care decisions and responsibilities as to what people can practically handle.
If family support is no longer adequate, home care services for seniors can offer an alternative to losing the family to the nursing home.
The goal of finding common ground is to create a plan that protects the parent’s dignity, safety, independence, and quality of life while allowing the family to provide sustainable care.
First, establish what the parent’s true needs are, hear what each sibling is concerned about and involve the parent’s wishes in the conversation.
Talk about the concern instead of saying “there is no problem.” A sibling might be concerned about the price, independence, or parent’s response. Facing the issue head-on can help you to think about other possibilities.
Siblings can divide responsibilities based on their circumstances, skills, availability, and location.Everyone does not necessarily need to be the same kind of support or give the same amount of support.
If the family cannot consistently meet a parent’s needs or caregiving creates significant stress, they should consider professional senior home care.
Maintain a focus on the parent’s needs, share information about responsibilities, hear multiple perspectives, and request more caregiver support when it is not feasible for the family.
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